I've been thinking about marriage.....

I really don't know why. Mine's not in trouble (right now), at least not that I know of. So it's a little strange that it's been such a topic in my life lately.
I think it started a few weeks ago when "Anne" on my SAH Catholic Moms e-list posted that her dh was leaving her and her kids. She was very distraught and rightfully so. I've had a few friends over the past several years go through the same thing. I can only imagine what happens to the children emotionally. One day they have an in-tact home, with a full-time mom, and suddenly they lose their father and mom's not at home anymore because she has to work full time. Worse yet, they end up tossed back and forth for "visitation" with Dad and feel like they don't have a real home anymore because now they have "two homes" All this in the name of "self fulfillment"

So I was wonderfully surprised with a post by another member of the group who replied to Anne's post and told of her story when she grew up I'm adding the post here:

Anne:

My heart goes out to you! I'll be praying hard for you, and so will my mom. I was in that situation when I was a kid. My dad left my mom and the four kids to move in with his mistress when I was almost five years old. He was an alcoholic (now recovered), so wasn't making good decisions at the time, to put it mildly.

I remember Dad wanting to take us kids for a drive, and I didn't want to go because Mom was sitting at the kitchen table, crying. He drove a few blocks away, and then told us how he was going to move out. I can't remember what his reasons were.

There was no custody battle. Dad quickly agreed that Mom could have custody, and he'd pay child support - which he always did. We stayed in the same house, and Mom continued to be a SAHM until my youngest brother was in school, so money was very tight. I remember asking Mom why we didn't have enough money to buy new pants, when Dad had enough money to go on a trip to Spain. She very mildly said, "That's just where his priorities are." It was years before I understood what she meant.

Dad betrayed not only Mom, he also betrayed us. We trusted him to be there to look after us, and he wasn't able to do that. He missed out on a lot of work and hassle, but he also missed out on his kids. His loss.

Dad wasn't much into the kids thing, but did come to visit us most weekends. We'd usually spend Saturday afternoon at his mom's place, or at his apartment. His new wife didn't like kids either, so it was usually playing in the apartment's swimming pool. He and his new wife divorced after less than a year. He married a third wife who's wonderful, and eventually sobered up when I was in high school. About 10-12 years after that, we started to rebuild our relationship. I love and respect him, but he'll never be "Daddy," just "Dad." A man has to earn the title "Daddy" when his kids are little, or it just doesn't happen.

It was very hard on all of us, and hardest on Mom, but we turned out. The four of us kids turned out to be a banker, teacher, manager of a auto body shop, and public health inspector. Mom never remarried because she didn't want to. She's happy now, and the centre of the family. All of us kids realize what a huge sacrifice she made, and appreciate it. When Christmas comes, she's the centre of the celebration. Dad's usually down south somewhere. Birthdays and other holidays are about the same.

Let the kids know that you love them, and always will, no matter what. It will be hard on them, there's no doubt about it, but you WILL get through it. Their dad is the one who's missing out. If he chooses to leave, he's leaving and betraying the whole family.

Mom met a neighbor who was in a similar situation. Together they formed a group for Divorced & Unattached Catholics, which was a great source of support. I remember going to the picnics for that group.

Is he willing to go for counseling? Has he said why he's unhappy? Is it possible that he's depressed for other reasons?

Please feel free to e-mail me privately. I'll be praying sooo hard for you and your whole family, even your husband.

love, M

The reason this reply struck me so profoundly is that it's not often we hear of such a courageous resonse to such a terrible situation. How many women are encouraged to do so? The message our society gives is:

Gee, that's too bad, just get over it and find somebody else.

See, this is what happens when women stay home and don't have a career.

Day care is good for kids.

Have you found somebody else yet?

Find a job to earn more self respect.

If you were more attractive, he might not have left.

He's a jerk, all men are jerks, make sure your kids understand that.

What? You still don't have a boyfriend? Is something wrong with you?


How many women, Christian women, are told to pick up the cross and carry it? Instead they are told it's an unfair burden and to get out from under it even at the expense of the kids. That the primary goal of a divorced woman is to find somebody else. Before I get a ton of hate mail, let me say that I don't think it's evil for someone who's divorced to have a boyfriend. But, how much better is the example set by M's mother? Was she a perfect mom? No, probably not. But I'm sure she had the prayers of the Angels and the Saints while she struggled to raise her children. And I'm also sure they're singing her praises now.